Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 Review for Xbox 360

     Oh boy, Team Ninja really ruined a good thing with this sequel to the original xbox title. Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball was a great game in the way that it was simple. That same simplicity also allowed for anyone to pick up and play whether they were familiar with games or not and instantly have fun. It did have deeper mechanics but getting them to work was pretty much luck. It was basically a barebones volleyball game with some staring-at-girls-in-swimsuits mixed in and it still managed to be enjoyable. Now it's even less than that. It's practically nothing.

Gameplay

- What could go wrong? - I'll tell you what; EVERYTHING THAT MADE THE FIRST ONE GOOD! I gotta say, I'm very bitter towards this game because it's what made me think selling the original was ok to do. I thought, "Well, they didn't put much stock in the first one and it was fun. I bet they're just going to simply bring the game into HD land and that'll be that. Why not play the first DOAX with better graphics?" Thank God I didn't pay more than $10 for this one. Turns out they tried to tweak the way the game played and now it just straight-up sucks. Literally nothing is enjoyable anymore. They even make it harder to look at the girls by complicating camera controls FAR TOO MUCH! There're are new modes and minigames but they aren't even worth a mention because they're all too boring or conceptually broken.
     What happened guys? What made you think, "We should play around with the only 2 things that were good about our first game?" Do you even see what you've done!? What a harsh reality this is.... Just, really... I shouldn't even go into specifics about the gameplay because really, it just doesn't work. That and it would be an essay-length list of complaints. None of it works. None of it is fun. Just imagine pressing buttons on a blank screen and pretending you did something good and that's essentially what playing any single part of Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 is like.


- Look at me! - Well I can't because I have NO CONTROL OVER THE CAMERA! The one third that makes up this game is looking at the girls of Dead or Alive while they do miscellaneous actions and poses for the viewer (you) and they made that hard to do. In the first game, it would choose the camera angle and you could zoom in an obscene amount. You could also tilt the camera to look around. It basically let you see what you wanted to and how you wanted to. Not this time though. It still chooses angles for you but you have extremely limited views within that angle, so to see what you want to you have to activate the camera mode.
     Let me see if I can come up with a clever analogy for how the camera controls... Alright, imagine you're walking down the street but instead of just simply walking and making it easy for yourself, you can only move one body part at a time. To take one step, you move one arm forward, then the next, then step forward with one leg, and then step next to it with your other. Imagine dealing with that sort of deliberation with the camera as the segment to look at your girl is coming closer and closer to an end and the girl will not stay still so right when you get to the right angle, she turns around. Seriously, it's not fun or enjoyable. It's just stupid.

= Poker night - Alright, one okay thing I guess. There are a few gambling games you can take part in such as Poker, Blackjack, Roulette, and slots. All I can say is that they're exactly what you'd expect and they work the way they should. The End.

Story and Presentation

= Zack's at it again... - In the end of the first game, Zack's island was sunk and no one could play volleyball no more. Now Zack's using a futuristic technology to bring it back from the ocean. He then issues out invitations to all the hot chicks he knows which contain a fake offering of information to lure the girls back to his island for more volleyball. Really, the only bit of story you get are in cutscenes at the beginning and end of the game. They're charming for what they are but it's not like they add to the overall value of the title.

- I have two breasteses - We know that now thanks to all the attention they call to themselves with their individual breast physics. The man inside of me isn't exactly aroused and the rational human part of me can't figure out how this got a pass. The two breasts work independently from one another, cool, I get that. They gain immense amounts of jiggle from slight vibrations in the Earth. In fact, they rarely ever stop moving and it creates a sense of wonderment when they're not moving, that I don't get. There's no way to tone down the jiggling either. It's just two floating orbs attached to a lady with Jello that are determined to create their own gravity independent of the planet's. Good job guys.

= A tropical paradise - With all of the elements of the environment and the soundtrack, you definitely get a tropical island vibe. It not so good you can smell sea-breeze in the air but it gets the job done.

Sound

- We speak in many tongues - At least they think they do. No one sounds like their heritage and even if they do, the accent is so phony you can't help but get irritated. Terrible voice acting on the American side here. Stick with the Japanese voice samples.

+ We're Jammin' - Even though I hate the majority of the music on here, it's still adds to the feel that I'm on a tropical getaway. No one should have to listen to "Loving you" or anything from B*Witched though... Weren't those songs way, WAY behind us? I'm gonna have to listen to some hardcore rock to get that stuff outta my head...


+ Splash, Swoosh, Crash... - It has sounds of the ocean in here... Yeah... I just felt like I needed at least one more positive and I really do like ocean sounds.

Graphics

- Nothing to see here - Even from the screenshots you can see that there are some things about the aesthetic of 3D anime chicks that just don't bode well in the HD world. A lot of textures are lacking, the character models aren't detailed at all, the water looks terrible. While it's not an ugly game and it doesn't look old or dated, some design choices just make it a bland experience. Nothing is ever really given the chance to pop unless you're talking about bright colors. Compared to the Ninja Gaiden games, this style could translate A LOT better than it did.

Should you buy it?

     Don't. Don't waste a single thought more on this game. When it comes down to it, the only thing it's good for is slight arousal every once in a blue moon but that's it. It's not worth your time or money. And should you stick it in your xbox, know that the achievements are gratingly irritating, hard, and the most time-consuming I've ever seen. To get all the achievements legitimately takes 4,400+ hours. Seeing as how a lot of the stuff is based around luck and 4,400 hours is based on perfect luck, expect a ton more where that came from. It's just not worth it in any shape or form. Leave it be.

Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 is developed by Team Ninja and published by Tecmo. Played the game for 30+ hours. That's right, I tried getting some of the achievements... *sigh*